Funny New Year's resolutions

This year my new year’s resolution is to try to update my blogs more often, and not to ramble as much. Ok, the rambling doesn’t seem to have stopped yet (blame my keyboard for that…it’s just SO COMFORTABLE)…but at least the rambling does mean that I’m updating the blogs, right?!

If you find any more good Facebook status updates, then please, please send them to me. I get a big kick out of seeing which update messages get people busy with the ‘like’ and comments buttons. I also hope that this is the year that Facebook emoticons become usable in wall posts and in comments. I think smileys for Facebook have become my number one favourite thing in the world when I log on (other than the status updates, of course!).

So anyway, let’s get to the funny Facebook status updates – I thought since I missed the start of a new year (and a new decade), why not put some amusing New Year’s resolutions for you to check out?

Funny New Year’s resolutions

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
- Nobody should be punished for doing something that they love!

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
- Nature first, let’s save the environment together!

I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
- Many a true word spoken in jest!

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- To be honest, this is true. The fact is that I know I’ll never find it (until we throw away the sofa).

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
- Like you’ve never done that.

I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
- I’m thinking of 123abc – what do you reckon? Secure?

I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
- I hate those scams on TV (but I can’t help buying from them)!

I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses and 6 blogs.
Maybe I should cut down to 5 and 5?

If you use these ones in your Facebook status, let us know if you have any success with people clicking ‘like’ or comments!

Maybe – but I think that a lot of this is people realising that the global economic downturn is over! Everyone is all about making money right now, and so they’re planning how to spend it. I’ve seen a lot of funny Facebook statuses in the last week or so with questions about where people should go on their breaks – ‘Hawaii or Egypt?’ ‘London or New York’? I always leave a comment and tell them that they shouldn’t plan to go too far away – they might be dead by then. It usually causes a nice reaction.

Anyway, today’s funny updates are all nice little puns or ironic jokes. This type of witty Facebook update is perfect because it makes you laugh a little bit, and usually at other people’s expense. There’s nothin better than someone else being the fall guy!

Funny Facebook status updates

Funny Facebook status update number one – I hope you’re the same size

Example: Before you criticize someone, try to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, by the time you say something bad about them, you’re one mile away and they’ve got no shoes on.

I can’t stand people who tell me to walk in other people’s shoes. What the hell does it mean? It is usually said in response to a criticism or comment that I’ve made about someone – but who are they to assume that I haven’t taken their ’shoes’ (aka condition of their being) into consideration. Of course I have! I just want to criticize them! This Facebook update gives a great twist at the end – I would love to be able to steal the shoes (and pride) of the person I’m complaining about and then run off!

Funny Facebook status update number two – You’re (not) special

Example: Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

There was a time when Myspace was covered wall to wall with messages from people telling eachother how unique and special and nice they were. Admittedly this was from people who were generally around 15 years old and female, but it was one of the factors which led to Myspace’s downfall (the ridiculous amount of fluff and useless information) and Facebook’s rise (it seemed to be more ‘real’ and useful). I really want to use this funny Facebook status update on a few people’s walls today (or maybe I will reply to their comments with it) and see what they say – it’s the perfect rememedy to cutesy crap!

Funny Facebook status update number three – You can’t take it with you

Example: Where there’s a will, there are 500 relatives.

I love money, and I love free money. Ok, I’m not wishing anyone ill health, but still it’s a nice little bonus if a relative dies and you suddenly find that you never need to work again! That hasn’t happened to me yet, but I have a friend who once wrote on his Facebook status that he had won the lottery – he had a LOT of comments and sudden friend requests! It turned out he was a lying swine and he had done nothing of the sort, but it shows that when opportunity knocks, there are usually a LOT of people who are willing to open the door for him (on your behalf).

Funny Facebook status update number four – ‘Lazy’ means ‘win’ in French

Example: They say hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance?

I am firmly of the opinion that China will overtake America as the #1 developed nation within fifteen years. Why? It’s not because of superior intellect, or superior products (hell no), it’s because the Chinese work ethic is insane. They work hard, all the time, all day. Heads down, do the job, finish the job, go home, sleep, do the same thing again the next day. If you put 1000 Chinese people in the USA and told them to work, in five years at least 5000 would be millionaires. I, on the other hand, would certainly be in the other 500 who decided to quit my job and go and sit on the beach. It’s not a bad life, and there’s no stress involved. No need to take a chance, is there?

Funny Facebook status update number five – Be careful with your head

Example: I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Having an open mind is a real buzzword at the moment, and it really doesn’t mean anything except ‘you should think the way I think’. Which is stupid. Think in your own way! It’s not about having an open or closed mind (and when it comes to Facebook statuses, there is nothing in the TOS about having an ‘open mind’, that’s for sure). Write from your heart, and if you don’t have one then write from your brain! And if you don’t have one, go back to sleep.

Funny Facebook status update number six – The sad truth

Example: When you’re right, nobody remembers. When you’re wrong, nobody forgets.

I made a stupid comment in one of my first meetings in my new job. I was full of energy and enthusiasm, and I wanted to make a good first impression on my new bosses and colleagues. I didn’t know anything about the business that I had just started working in, and I believe what I did was fall into a newbie trap – one which they have constantly reminded me of throughout my time in the organization. Since then, of course, I have made a huge amount of money for the company, but nobody cares about that! They just remember my faults. It reminds me about the person who updated his Facbeook status on the first day of work with a message that said something like ‘This new job is easy!’ – his boss read it and doubled his workload. We live and learn!

Ok, that’s your bumper crop of Funny Facebook status updates for today – I hope you enjoyed them and if you have any more that you’d like to share, why not leave them in the comments! We’d love to get your feedback.

Now, when I post, people listen! I’ve noticed that since I started thinking about what I write (and posting funnier and more hilarious Facebook status updates) my friends have suddenly become more talkative – they ‘like’ my statuses very often (and comment on them), which means that the next time they log on they see more info from my home feed! That’s good news for me, and it means I can stay in touch with more of my Facebook friends!

So, what golden nuggets do I have on this Saturday evening? I decided to pick some great Facebook status quotes which you can use as your own – and which I can guarantee will have a lasting effect on your online popularity! Either that, or will make a few people chuckle at your wit and humour. Either way, everyone’s happy!

Funny Facebook statuses

Saturday’s funny Facebook status – Number 1 – Practice what your preach!

Example: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I used to have a doctor, and he said that you should never put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear to clean it. I think he was joking, but he did have the hairiest ears I’d ever seen, so I’m not sure. It was a case of practising what you preach, and I believe almost 100% in it! I used to work as an editor in a magazine, and there is nothing more frustrating than not proofreading correctly – and there’s nothing funnier (or should that be punnier?) than putting a mistake in your Facebook status and making people laugh about it!

Saturday’s funny Facebook status – Number 2 – The truer the better

Example: A fool and his money are soon partying.

Sadly, this clever Facebook status is a perfect representation of my life. As soon as my paycheck hits my account, it’s already spent on rent, bills, clothes, alcohol…but that’s nothing that a witty Facebook status can’t fix! Playing on the old phrase ‘a fool and his money are soon parted’, this classic Facebook quote is great for reminding people that we’re here for a good time, not a long time.

Saturday’s funny Facebook status – Number 3 – Clever or die!

Example: A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Ok so this might be a really witty Facebook status update or it might be a complete failure – it really depends on your target audience. I wrote this on the notice board of my office the other day, and more than 50% of the staff said either ‘what does that mean?’ or ‘I don’t get it’. That’s ok though, because you can just sit in the moral majority and smile smugly as you work out who your intelligent friends are and who the dunces are…it won’t be hard!

Saturday’s funny Facebook status – Number 4 – Make ‘em laugh!

Example: I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Final status, final pun – it’s direct, it’s funny and it’s one that needs repeating 100 times! I think that I might do a whole series on this type of pun – the double meaning, one-liner jokes which fit perfectly into the category of funny Facebook status! I have a colleague at work who does nothing but try to fit this type of witty one-liner into his everyday speech, but unfortunately he always leaves slightly too much of a time-gap before he says anything…so everyone knows he’s about to drop a joke! Well, you don’t need to be so obvious! Paste it today!

Well, that’s all for this Saturday night – I know that the ‘FB generation’ don’t really spend too much time online over the weekend, so I look forward to you visiting next week and trying to fill your time with thinking up more funny Facebook statuses!

A great philosopher (and good friend of mine) once said:

Small people talk about themselves, People talk about other people, Big people talk about ideas

…and this idea holds true for clever Facebook status updates. I have a lot of friends on Facebook, and the majority of them either don’t update their status themselves, or write about the deadliest of boring subjects. But the other 5% are the the ones with lots of ideas for Facebook status updates. These are the people who I follow closely.

Clever Facebook status

What type of person puts quotes by philosophers in their status update?

I would say the biggest demographic would be students, but there are also a number of ‘free thinkers’ who like to put thoughtful messages there too. I know a Doctor who specialises in treating Mesothelioma (a strange type of cancer) who puts a different quote from a different philosopher in his status every morning before work – now that’s dedication!

What are some examples of clever Facebook statuses?

Ok, let’s look at some examples of a clever Facebook status. They’re not complicated, but they can get quite deep – so I’m going to guide you through them. Get ready!

Clever Facebook status number 1: Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

At first, this one sounds like it doesn’t make sense. If you’re seeking the truth, surely that means that you don’t really know what you’re talking about? Isn’t that some sort of strange paradox? And doubt people who know the truth already? Sounds weird. If this were a philosophy class, I think we could probably dissect this statement for hours, but in terms of a clever Facebook status I think it’s trying to tell us that perhaps those people who claim to know it all, probably are the ones that should not be trusted. Just like I just told you how to interpret this quote. So watch out for me!

Clever Facebook status number 2: I am a part of all that I have met.

This quote is quite beautiful, and it speaks to the heart of human nature. We can learn from everyone we meet, every person that comes into our lives can affect us and holds knowledge within them that we can learn from and improve from.

Clever Facebook status number 3: The obscure we see eventually.  The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.

This feels a little bit like the old phrase ‘you can’t see the wood for the trees’, but it seems like in a witty Facebook status context it’s trying to let you know that sometimes what might be totally obvious and is sitting right next to you all along, is sometimes difficult to work out. I once had this problem with Mathematics in High School, so I can relate completely to what they’re saying.

Clever Facebook status number 4: If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

Ah, the luck of the Irish! I guess if you find the lucky four-leaf clover, and you think it’s a three-leaf (or five-leaf, I guess) then you’re probably not going to be able to channel your new-found good luck into anything productive anyway. If you use this as your clever Facebook status, you might also deal with the number of stupid people on your Facebook friends list replying ‘what’s a four-leaf clover?’.

Clever Facebook status number 5: When the student is ready, the master appears.

Finally, one of my favourite Facebook statuses and what I think is a really good way to motivate people on all sorts of social networking sites. A lot of people have issues with enthusiasm in their work, especially motivation to get stuff done and not procrastinate. Ok, perhaps they shouldn’t be surfing on Facebook if they have trouble procrastinating, but still… So, when they read this message – that preparation is the key to finding the right path and to establishing a successful life – they will take it in their stride and run with it.

Ok, so the task was to find some clever Facebook statuses, and we did that. These ones will get you started, and I’ll be posting more and more as the days and weeks go on, so stay tuned! If you want to know which one I think is the best one…well…log on to read my clever Facebook status!