Funny New Year's resolutions

This year my new year’s resolution is to try to update my blogs more often, and not to ramble as much. Ok, the rambling doesn’t seem to have stopped yet (blame my keyboard for that…it’s just SO COMFORTABLE)…but at least the rambling does mean that I’m updating the blogs, right?!

If you find any more good Facebook status updates, then please, please send them to me. I get a big kick out of seeing which update messages get people busy with the ‘like’ and comments buttons. I also hope that this is the year that Facebook emoticons become usable in wall posts and in comments. I think smileys for Facebook have become my number one favourite thing in the world when I log on (other than the status updates, of course!).

So anyway, let’s get to the funny Facebook status updates – I thought since I missed the start of a new year (and a new decade), why not put some amusing New Year’s resolutions for you to check out?

Funny New Year’s resolutions

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
- Nobody should be punished for doing something that they love!

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
- Nature first, let’s save the environment together!

I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
- Many a true word spoken in jest!

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- To be honest, this is true. The fact is that I know I’ll never find it (until we throw away the sofa).

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
- Like you’ve never done that.

I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
- I’m thinking of 123abc – what do you reckon? Secure?

I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
- I hate those scams on TV (but I can’t help buying from them)!

I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses and 6 blogs.
Maybe I should cut down to 5 and 5?

If you use these ones in your Facebook status, let us know if you have any success with people clicking ‘like’ or comments!

I was a little bit depressed yesterday, as my boss gave me two bits of news. Firstly, I would need to go abroad for a ‘training session’ for two weeks, which sounds nice (if you work near Mexico) but it actually will probably end up being me stuck in a hotel room for 5 nights playing on various social networks – my Facebook status will probably be updated about two hundred times per day! If you’re on my friends’ list, prepare for an onslaught!

Ok, on to the updates. Today I’ve got some amazing special characters for you to use in your funny Facebook status. These characters can not only be used on Facebook, but also Myspace, Twitter, Skype, Gchat and MSN (you can put it in your MSN name or status and really make your friends go crazy!). Each one has a description (as usual) to give you a few ideas on how and when to use them.

More funny Facebook statuses

Funny Facebook status number one – The aliens have landed!

Example: When you ಠ_ಠ at me I want to ಥ_ಥ !

These alien eyes are really amazing – they look like they can see into your mind and read your thoughts! There’s not a huge amount in my mind to read (luckily), but it sure makes for a cool Facebook status to use them in! The second set (the ‘crying’ eyes) look quite creepy actually – I’m considering pasting this message onto my brother’s wall (and I might change the Facebook message to something quite a bit ruder than this one!). Send this to your enemies or to your friends who you want to tease, they’ll comment on it and ‘like’ it straight away!

Funny Facebook status number two – The most relaxing Facebook away message ever?

Example: Gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>

There is nothing better to do on a weekend than grab your rod and head down to the local river or stream, take some beers and food and attempt to catch a few fish – and now you can tell everyone on your Facebook exactly where you’ve gone with this hilarious Facebook status. Just be sure that you take your smartphone or laptop (with 3g access) with you so that you can change your update message from the water!

Funny Facebook status number three – The king of pop’s obituary

Example: Michael Jackson’s life story: ☻ born ♔ of pop ☺ died

If you write about current events in your Facebook status, you are guaranteed that people will react to it. I once saw fifty comments on a Facebook wall post that someone had written shortly after the death of Michael Jackson, related to his ‘colourful’ lifestyle and affection for children. I don’t suggest that you copy that person and write some slanderous things in your Facebook status, but you can always say something about popular figures – they’re almost guaranteed to get some chat!

Funny Facebook status number four – Weather channel on Facebook!

Example: How’s the weather with you? It’s ☀ ☁ ☂ ☃ with me!

It has been a gorgeous, sunny day here in my home town, and the evening is still warm enough to sit outside. I’m not outside, of course, I’m inside typing this blog post – but I just wanted you to know that I made a conscious choice to be with you all! And what better thing to talk about than the weather? You can see that this Facebook status update has all of the potential for a great one, it includes some special weather characters and the kicker is that people can copy and paste them into their replies to your message = instant fame!

Funny Facebook status number three – Stormy seas ahead

Example: ☠ ☠ ☠ Pirates hijacked my Facebook status! ☠ ☠ ☠

Following on from the Michael Jackson Facebook status update, the other most talked about current event (around my dinner table at least) has been the Somalian pirates who seem to be hijacking everything they can get their hands on in the ocean at present. Why not let them hijack your update message too? Just make sure that none of your Facebook friends are from Somalia first – they might be offended!

Funny Facebook status number three – Keeping it (crazy) real

Example: ☢☢☢ Last night’s pictures have a biohazard warning! ☣☣☣

The final funny Facebook status of the day involves a little truism – always be careful about the photos that you post on Facebook as they have a habit of coming back to haunt you (especially if you have some overzealous friend tagging them all). Whenever you go out to a bar or club, make sure there is a one-camera policy, and that person knows that being a responsible uploader is a big undertaking, and they shouldn’t take it lightly!

Ok, enjoy the rest of your weekend. I’m going to go and watch a movie and then possibly eat my own weight in cheeseburgers. Until next time, don’t forget to change your funny Facebook statuses at least three times a day!

There are many different places to find amusing Facebook update ideas, but most of them consist of actually talking about your daily, mundane life. As much as you might be tempted to go down this route, stop yourself! You don’t want to be constantly reminding people that your life has nothing better in it than playing World of Warcraft and eating pizza! Actually, if you play World of Warcraft, you’d probably not stop long enough to update your Facebook status message…

Anyway, today we will go through a few different ideas for your update message, and you can choose to copy and paste them from here or simply adapt them to your own situation. Most are based on common phrases or sayings, and then made funny using a pun or witty turn – you’ll see!

Some funny Facebook status ideas

Funny Facebook status ideas – Number 1 – Unholy matrimony

Example: Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I will probably be single all of my life. Not because I’m unloveable (although some might disagree), but because of the pain and heartache caused when you have to plan a wedding. The flowers, the guests, the placings, the music, the vows, the rings…all of that romantic rubbish and we haven’t even started on the honeymoon yet! This great witty Facebook status solves one of the great mysteries of life – what you get when you cross firearms, women and a pun. You guessed it! A shotgun wedding!

Funny Facebook status ideas – Number 2 – Dry-mouthed humour

Example: A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

When I arrived in the office this morning, a number of my colleagues (who had changed their Facebook status updates last night to ‘let’s go out and get waaaaasted!!’) were looking a little worse for wear. This type of funny Facebook status idea is great when you are feeling a little hungover, but you don’t want the world to know exactly how it happened. It is also, of course, a funny pun on the ‘Grapes of Wrath’ too!.

Funny Facebook status ideas – Number 3 – Egg heads unite

Example: I’m not bald, it’s a solar panel for sex.

This is a perfect funny Facebook status idea for those who are challenged ‘up top’. I don’t mean they have no brains, but maybe the grass which covers the head is a little too well mown…the bald! My Dad always used to say this to people when they mentioned his receding, thinning (or finally) bald head, and it would always provoke a laugh!

Funny Facebook status ideas – Number 4 – Any excuse for staying low

Example: Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

I’m not saying that I’m a weasel, but they are not the most stupid animals. They don’t have a good reputation around the animal kingdom (or human kingdom, for that matter), but they just do their thing and never put their head up above the firing line. People are the same, and this great funny Facebook idea is one which you can use again and again to remind people about the perils of trying to be the superstar of all superstars!

Funny Facebook status ideas – Number 5 – The king of the office

Example: Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice

This is perhaps one of my favourite puns, and is perfect for the academic environment. It’s easy to find examples of contradictions in the jargon spewed forth in corporations around the world, and this example is a really sweet little number. Diminutive, of course, means ‘small’, so what begins as an order form on high turns into a funny Facebook status idea that will make people click LIKE faster than a hare in a tortoise race!

So, there you have some fresh ideas, try to brighten up your Facebook account today so you don’t become one of the boring people who talk about eating pizza and watching TV all day! Remember, if you ever need any more funny Facebook status ideas, get straight back here and find them!