Funny New Year's resolutions

This year my new year’s resolution is to try to update my blogs more often, and not to ramble as much. Ok, the rambling doesn’t seem to have stopped yet (blame my keyboard for that…it’s just SO COMFORTABLE)…but at least the rambling does mean that I’m updating the blogs, right?!

If you find any more good Facebook status updates, then please, please send them to me. I get a big kick out of seeing which update messages get people busy with the ‘like’ and comments buttons. I also hope that this is the year that Facebook emoticons become usable in wall posts and in comments. I think smileys for Facebook have become my number one favourite thing in the world when I log on (other than the status updates, of course!).

So anyway, let’s get to the funny Facebook status updates – I thought since I missed the start of a new year (and a new decade), why not put some amusing New Year’s resolutions for you to check out?

Funny New Year’s resolutions

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
- Nobody should be punished for doing something that they love!

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
- Nature first, let’s save the environment together!

I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
- Many a true word spoken in jest!

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- To be honest, this is true. The fact is that I know I’ll never find it (until we throw away the sofa).

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
- Like you’ve never done that.

I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
- I’m thinking of 123abc – what do you reckon? Secure?

I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
- I hate those scams on TV (but I can’t help buying from them)!

I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses and 6 blogs.
Maybe I should cut down to 5 and 5?

If you use these ones in your Facebook status, let us know if you have any success with people clicking ‘like’ or comments!

Halloween was a huge deal in my house, because my parents didn’t really get into the swing of Easter and Christmas. Halloween, however, (one of the most manufactured of all of the public holidays (except maybe Valentine’s day)) was a time when they really let their hair down (well actually my mother let her hair down, my Dad was bald) and partied.

They would send us off into town on trick or treat missions to get as much candy, chocolate, sweets and snacks from unsuspecting neighbours as possible – and then they would confiscate it from us when we got back (but they always left us enough time to gorge ourselves stupid and nearly die of sugar shock). Anyway…

Halloween is a time to get together, and I’m sure you’ll be spending even more time on Facebook chat with your friends, so let’s get down to the status updates and ideas, shall we?

Halloween funny Facebook status ideas

Funny Facebook status idea number one: Remix the traditional

Example: Eat, drink and be scary.

Playing on one of the most popular Christmas phrases of all time, this topical Facebook status can get people chuckling to themselves as they carve out their pumpkins for jack o’lanterns (or whatever other preparations they happen to be doing). Just make sure you’re not the one who they’re coming to give the frights to!

Funny Facebook status idea number two: Family values

Example: A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

There were always certain people who we knew would never give us any treats on Halloween night. One of those was an old man whose wife had died years before, and he seemed to get grumpier every day of his existence. One night we went to his house and knocked on the door – “TRICK OR TREAT?!”. He opened up and shouted “I’ve got a treat for your asses!” and ran out chasing us with a baseball bat! Needless to say, his windows got a good coat of egg later that night.

Funny Facebook status idea number three: Scent of an (evil) woman

Example: Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.

Ladies, in this case, does not mean ‘the female of the species’ but more the ‘well refined women’ of the upper classes. What it means is, people who are haunted (and it seems people realize that they’re haunted a lot more around this time of year) usually are for a reason – and the reason is usually not a positive one!

Funny Facebook status idea number four: Haunting stuff

Example: They that are born on Halloween shall see more than other folk.

Is it true that people who are born on Halloween night are bound to become vessels for the thoughts and messages of the spirit world? Probably not. But it’s always good to remind people who are born on that day that they are probably evil to the core and haunted. The least it will do is annoy them!

Funny Facebook status idea number five: Get funky

Example: HALLOWEEN! ☾☆☂☁☹☠☽

Ok, it’s not perfect, but all of these symbols can, in some way, be related to Halloween and the different practices within it. The skull and crossbones is probably the best MSN symbol to use at this time of year to really get people in the mood for witchcraft and the black arts. Try them out!

Well, that’s all the Facebook statuses you need for Halloween and maybe beyond. If you can think of any other funny Facebook status ideas for Halloween, let us know in the comments!

Maybe – but I think that a lot of this is people realising that the global economic downturn is over! Everyone is all about making money right now, and so they’re planning how to spend it. I’ve seen a lot of funny Facebook statuses in the last week or so with questions about where people should go on their breaks – ‘Hawaii or Egypt?’ ‘London or New York’? I always leave a comment and tell them that they shouldn’t plan to go too far away – they might be dead by then. It usually causes a nice reaction.

Anyway, today’s funny updates are all nice little puns or ironic jokes. This type of witty Facebook update is perfect because it makes you laugh a little bit, and usually at other people’s expense. There’s nothin better than someone else being the fall guy!

Funny Facebook status updates

Funny Facebook status update number one – I hope you’re the same size

Example: Before you criticize someone, try to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, by the time you say something bad about them, you’re one mile away and they’ve got no shoes on.

I can’t stand people who tell me to walk in other people’s shoes. What the hell does it mean? It is usually said in response to a criticism or comment that I’ve made about someone – but who are they to assume that I haven’t taken their ’shoes’ (aka condition of their being) into consideration. Of course I have! I just want to criticize them! This Facebook update gives a great twist at the end – I would love to be able to steal the shoes (and pride) of the person I’m complaining about and then run off!

Funny Facebook status update number two – You’re (not) special

Example: Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

There was a time when Myspace was covered wall to wall with messages from people telling eachother how unique and special and nice they were. Admittedly this was from people who were generally around 15 years old and female, but it was one of the factors which led to Myspace’s downfall (the ridiculous amount of fluff and useless information) and Facebook’s rise (it seemed to be more ‘real’ and useful). I really want to use this funny Facebook status update on a few people’s walls today (or maybe I will reply to their comments with it) and see what they say – it’s the perfect rememedy to cutesy crap!

Funny Facebook status update number three – You can’t take it with you

Example: Where there’s a will, there are 500 relatives.

I love money, and I love free money. Ok, I’m not wishing anyone ill health, but still it’s a nice little bonus if a relative dies and you suddenly find that you never need to work again! That hasn’t happened to me yet, but I have a friend who once wrote on his Facebook status that he had won the lottery – he had a LOT of comments and sudden friend requests! It turned out he was a lying swine and he had done nothing of the sort, but it shows that when opportunity knocks, there are usually a LOT of people who are willing to open the door for him (on your behalf).

Funny Facebook status update number four – ‘Lazy’ means ‘win’ in French

Example: They say hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance?

I am firmly of the opinion that China will overtake America as the #1 developed nation within fifteen years. Why? It’s not because of superior intellect, or superior products (hell no), it’s because the Chinese work ethic is insane. They work hard, all the time, all day. Heads down, do the job, finish the job, go home, sleep, do the same thing again the next day. If you put 1000 Chinese people in the USA and told them to work, in five years at least 5000 would be millionaires. I, on the other hand, would certainly be in the other 500 who decided to quit my job and go and sit on the beach. It’s not a bad life, and there’s no stress involved. No need to take a chance, is there?

Funny Facebook status update number five – Be careful with your head

Example: I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Having an open mind is a real buzzword at the moment, and it really doesn’t mean anything except ‘you should think the way I think’. Which is stupid. Think in your own way! It’s not about having an open or closed mind (and when it comes to Facebook statuses, there is nothing in the TOS about having an ‘open mind’, that’s for sure). Write from your heart, and if you don’t have one then write from your brain! And if you don’t have one, go back to sleep.

Funny Facebook status update number six – The sad truth

Example: When you’re right, nobody remembers. When you’re wrong, nobody forgets.

I made a stupid comment in one of my first meetings in my new job. I was full of energy and enthusiasm, and I wanted to make a good first impression on my new bosses and colleagues. I didn’t know anything about the business that I had just started working in, and I believe what I did was fall into a newbie trap – one which they have constantly reminded me of throughout my time in the organization. Since then, of course, I have made a huge amount of money for the company, but nobody cares about that! They just remember my faults. It reminds me about the person who updated his Facbeook status on the first day of work with a message that said something like ‘This new job is easy!’ – his boss read it and doubled his workload. We live and learn!

Ok, that’s your bumper crop of Funny Facebook status updates for today – I hope you enjoyed them and if you have any more that you’d like to share, why not leave them in the comments! We’d love to get your feedback.

I was a little bit depressed yesterday, as my boss gave me two bits of news. Firstly, I would need to go abroad for a ‘training session’ for two weeks, which sounds nice (if you work near Mexico) but it actually will probably end up being me stuck in a hotel room for 5 nights playing on various social networks – my Facebook status will probably be updated about two hundred times per day! If you’re on my friends’ list, prepare for an onslaught!

Ok, on to the updates. Today I’ve got some amazing special characters for you to use in your funny Facebook status. These characters can not only be used on Facebook, but also Myspace, Twitter, Skype, Gchat and MSN (you can put it in your MSN name or status and really make your friends go crazy!). Each one has a description (as usual) to give you a few ideas on how and when to use them.

More funny Facebook statuses

Funny Facebook status number one – The aliens have landed!

Example: When you ಠ_ಠ at me I want to ಥ_ಥ !

These alien eyes are really amazing – they look like they can see into your mind and read your thoughts! There’s not a huge amount in my mind to read (luckily), but it sure makes for a cool Facebook status to use them in! The second set (the ‘crying’ eyes) look quite creepy actually – I’m considering pasting this message onto my brother’s wall (and I might change the Facebook message to something quite a bit ruder than this one!). Send this to your enemies or to your friends who you want to tease, they’ll comment on it and ‘like’ it straight away!

Funny Facebook status number two – The most relaxing Facebook away message ever?

Example: Gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>

There is nothing better to do on a weekend than grab your rod and head down to the local river or stream, take some beers and food and attempt to catch a few fish – and now you can tell everyone on your Facebook exactly where you’ve gone with this hilarious Facebook status. Just be sure that you take your smartphone or laptop (with 3g access) with you so that you can change your update message from the water!

Funny Facebook status number three – The king of pop’s obituary

Example: Michael Jackson’s life story: ☻ born ♔ of pop ☺ died

If you write about current events in your Facebook status, you are guaranteed that people will react to it. I once saw fifty comments on a Facebook wall post that someone had written shortly after the death of Michael Jackson, related to his ‘colourful’ lifestyle and affection for children. I don’t suggest that you copy that person and write some slanderous things in your Facebook status, but you can always say something about popular figures – they’re almost guaranteed to get some chat!

Funny Facebook status number four – Weather channel on Facebook!

Example: How’s the weather with you? It’s ☀ ☁ ☂ ☃ with me!

It has been a gorgeous, sunny day here in my home town, and the evening is still warm enough to sit outside. I’m not outside, of course, I’m inside typing this blog post – but I just wanted you to know that I made a conscious choice to be with you all! And what better thing to talk about than the weather? You can see that this Facebook status update has all of the potential for a great one, it includes some special weather characters and the kicker is that people can copy and paste them into their replies to your message = instant fame!

Funny Facebook status number three – Stormy seas ahead

Example: ☠ ☠ ☠ Pirates hijacked my Facebook status! ☠ ☠ ☠

Following on from the Michael Jackson Facebook status update, the other most talked about current event (around my dinner table at least) has been the Somalian pirates who seem to be hijacking everything they can get their hands on in the ocean at present. Why not let them hijack your update message too? Just make sure that none of your Facebook friends are from Somalia first – they might be offended!

Funny Facebook status number three – Keeping it (crazy) real

Example: ☢☢☢ Last night’s pictures have a biohazard warning! ☣☣☣

The final funny Facebook status of the day involves a little truism – always be careful about the photos that you post on Facebook as they have a habit of coming back to haunt you (especially if you have some overzealous friend tagging them all). Whenever you go out to a bar or club, make sure there is a one-camera policy, and that person knows that being a responsible uploader is a big undertaking, and they shouldn’t take it lightly!

Ok, enjoy the rest of your weekend. I’m going to go and watch a movie and then possibly eat my own weight in cheeseburgers. Until next time, don’t forget to change your funny Facebook statuses at least three times a day!

It’s pretty amazing to think that you can be so close to someone for so long (like buddies from High School) and then not talk with them for years and years – and then when you see them again you are reminded about how cool they are and you just feel ‘normal’. That is definitely one of the biggest advantages of the recent ‘Facebook boom’ which has gripped many countries across the world.

Communication is so important, and so I decided in today’s reflection to consider friendship when looking at funny Facebook status quotes. What do I mean by ‘consider friendship’? Well, let’s look at how some more famous scholars have reflected on the concept in the past – and how we can use them for our status updates!

Funny Facebook status quotes

Funny Facebook status quote one – Never a dull moment
Example: A true friend stabs you in the front

There is such a wide variety of humor in this quote, I don’t know where to begin! Of course, the idea of someone ‘stabbing you in the back’ is not new – and I have been stabbed many times by people who I thought were my friends but turned out to be disloyal and petty people, so what better way to let your friends know that you’re keeping an eye on them by putting this funny Facebook status quote?! Honesty is certainly the best policy in a friendship (as the Mexicans say: honesty in accounting leads to a long friendship), so next time you have something to say to someone, why not try to let them know to their face!

Funny Facebook status quote two – Never a truer word spoken
Example: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

The sad truth of haters – they never die, they just hide. One friend of mine used to run a popular blog talking about food and the local restaurants near the area where I lived. He became relatively famous (a local celebrity), and then people started leaving offensive messages on his blog in the comments section. He tried to ignore these people, but they continued (even going so far as to register fake email accounts so they could leave more spam and abuse!). Eventually he gave up blogging as his traffic fell (that would be his friends leaving)…but the enemies just continued their assault. This is a kindly reminder that we should all heed – watch out for the snakes in the grass and if you can avoid making enemies, it’s much better than keeping them around!

Funny Facebook status quote three – Money makes the world go around
Example: Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy

Facebook used to the be a website for rich people – nearly everyone who used it was college educated or higher, and therefore they were not the ones at the bottom fo the food chain by any means. This funny Facebook status idea comes from the notion that true friendship can not be bough, but actually money can do a lot to help you avoid the worst types of people (the kind that you really hate!). Is it true? Put it into your Facebook status and see how many comments you get! They will probably all be from people who think that you’re talking about them!

Funny Facebook status quote four – Eggsellent humour
Example: A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

This is my favourite funny Facebook status idea about friendship, because it involves a great pun on the word ‘cracked’ and has a good message behind it. Most of my friends think that I’m a little bit strange, weird, abnormal or ‘cracked’, but I hope that they deep down realize that I’m an OK type of person! If they do, then they will see this Facebook status update and ‘Like’ it (or maybe they will do this if they think I’m an egghead?!). either way, try it out.

Well that’s the end of today’s ideas for a new funny Facebook status – did you find any that you will use? Try them out and see how many people comment and ‘like’ your statuses – you might be surprised!

Today I’m bringing four more fantastic update messages for you to use in your home feed, which I can almost guarantee people will comment on them and press ‘like’! How can I guarantee this? Because I’ve used all of them myself – and these ones are the types that people will read them and then think for a couple of seconds, and then break out laughing. I’ve had a couple of friends tell me that when they read one of my funny Facebook status messages in their office, they laughed out loud and were warned by their manager! That is what I’m talking about! Ok, on with the updates!

Funny Facebook status

Funny Facebook status one – The old advice is the best
Example: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

If you ever need to find a funny Facebook status, it’s best to ask people who are experts in one-liners. Who, in your life, is the best person at funny lines? For me, it used to be my Grandfather. He used to come out with some of the funniest one-liners I have ever heard – and there were often times when he was completely inappropriate with the things that he said. Was it his fault? Probably not – his mind started to wander by the time he was at his funniest (and most offensive). Anyway, he never used Facebook, but if he had done then he would certainly have used this funny Facebook status, because it was his favourite phrase in the world! Nearly every meal that we would have together would end in him looking at me, putting his finger on his lips and whispering ‘it’s better to remain silent you know….and for some people to think you’re a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt! It means that sometimes you are as stupid as people think, so don’t prove it to people! I’ve heard other people say it when people have said something really stupid or inappropriate – but I think it’s a first to use it in a funny Facebook status. Why not try it and see if anyone gives you any ‘likes’ or comments?

Funny Facebook status two – The divine comedy
Example: God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I’m not hugely religious, but I believe that somewhere out there somewhere there must be some special power which created the heaven and earth – I mean, even if the ‘big bang’ theory is true and we are all developed from bacteria and tiny cells, then who created the substances for that big bang? Usually, I wouldn’t get so philosophical during my analysis of a new funny Facebook status, but for this one I’m making an exception because it deals with a subject very close to my heart – stupid people! I have watched many religious programs where people often repeat again and again about how everything God does is perfect and a miracle – which proves this status update to be the gospel truth – God must love stupid people because he made a huge number of them (and seemingly surrounded me with them!).

Funny Facebook status three – Messing with the MAN
Example: A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

I used to have huge financial problems before I realised that I was never going to be a millionaire – I know that sounds strange but let me elaborate: before I realised that I wasn’t going to be rich, I would spend a lot of money on trying to get rich – selling useless products, making websites with get rich quick schemes and such – but now I am so relaxed in my life and my financial situation that I don’t need to try to get more and more all the time. However, there was a time when I feared entering the bank more than going to the dentist. I mean, what other institution makes you site for hours and looks through the entire history of your life before telling you that ’sorry we can’t help you in your current circumstances’. It’s terrible! If you’ve ever been in this situation (and I’m sure a lot of you have!) then why not put this as your funny Facebook status update – I bet a lot of your friends will be able to feel your pain!

Funny Facebook status four – Memories of a bygone era
Example: The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

What is wrong with parents these days? It seems they only have one intention when naming their children (or at least when the give their children a middle name) and that is to humiliate and/or disturb their children for their entire life. My middle name is ‘Lesley’ – a strange name because it can actually be a man’s name or a woman’s name. This led to huge amounts of bullying at school and other children laughing at me almost constantly (I was lucky that there were no funny Facebook statuses around when I was a child, or I would have been the butt of a LOT of jokes!). The only time anyone actually used my name for any purpose (except to take the mickey out of me) was, as this funny Facebook status update message says, when my parents were angry with me! They would look at me, with a slight growl in their voice, and then shout out **** Lesley ****, will you get out here this instant! Whenever I heard those words in that order, the hair would stand up on my neck and I would know that there was some real bad times ahead. I’m pretty glad that I don’t ever need to hear them again (well I might, but I’m now nine inches taller than my Dad, so I doubt he would do anything about it!).

As I mentioned above, use these hilarious Facebook status quotes and I can assure you that you will have comments and likes by the end of the day. Remember to stop by again and check out another funny Facebook status or two tomorrow!

Now, when I post, people listen! I’ve noticed that since I started thinking about what I write (and posting funnier and more hilarious Facebook status updates) my friends have suddenly become more talkative – they ‘like’ my statuses very often (and comment on them), which means that the next time they log on they see more info from my home feed! That’s good news for me, and it means I can stay in touch with more of my Facebook friends!

So, what golden nuggets do I have on this Saturday evening? I decided to pick some great Facebook status quotes which you can use as your own – and which I can guarantee will have a lasting effect on your online popularity! Either that, or will make a few people chuckle at your wit and humour. Either way, everyone’s happy!

Funny Facebook statuses

Saturday’s funny Facebook status – Number 1 – Practice what your preach!

Example: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I used to have a doctor, and he said that you should never put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear to clean it. I think he was joking, but he did have the hairiest ears I’d ever seen, so I’m not sure. It was a case of practising what you preach, and I believe almost 100% in it! I used to work as an editor in a magazine, and there is nothing more frustrating than not proofreading correctly – and there’s nothing funnier (or should that be punnier?) than putting a mistake in your Facebook status and making people laugh about it!

Saturday’s funny Facebook status – Number 2 – The truer the better

Example: A fool and his money are soon partying.

Sadly, this clever Facebook status is a perfect representation of my life. As soon as my paycheck hits my account, it’s already spent on rent, bills, clothes, alcohol…but that’s nothing that a witty Facebook status can’t fix! Playing on the old phrase ‘a fool and his money are soon parted’, this classic Facebook quote is great for reminding people that we’re here for a good time, not a long time.

Saturday’s funny Facebook status – Number 3 – Clever or die!

Example: A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Ok so this might be a really witty Facebook status update or it might be a complete failure – it really depends on your target audience. I wrote this on the notice board of my office the other day, and more than 50% of the staff said either ‘what does that mean?’ or ‘I don’t get it’. That’s ok though, because you can just sit in the moral majority and smile smugly as you work out who your intelligent friends are and who the dunces are…it won’t be hard!

Saturday’s funny Facebook status – Number 4 – Make ‘em laugh!

Example: I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Final status, final pun – it’s direct, it’s funny and it’s one that needs repeating 100 times! I think that I might do a whole series on this type of pun – the double meaning, one-liner jokes which fit perfectly into the category of funny Facebook status! I have a colleague at work who does nothing but try to fit this type of witty one-liner into his everyday speech, but unfortunately he always leaves slightly too much of a time-gap before he says anything…so everyone knows he’s about to drop a joke! Well, you don’t need to be so obvious! Paste it today!

Well, that’s all for this Saturday night – I know that the ‘FB generation’ don’t really spend too much time online over the weekend, so I look forward to you visiting next week and trying to fill your time with thinking up more funny Facebook statuses!

It is for this reason that today’s list of funny Facebook statuses will in face be more of a list of philosophical or thoughtful quotes, which, when you add them to your status will make people ponder more than just what you are eating for lunch or watching on TV. They’ll make your friends on Facebook stop and think – and they could even start a dialogue in your comments section.

So, without further ado, here are some intelligent Facebook quotes to get you through the rest of the day – thank me later!

Intelligent Facebook quotes

Intelligent Facebook quote number 1 – Confront the fakers in your life

Example: You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

Ever since Myspace (or maybe even Friendster before it) exploded in popularity, there has been a rise of a new breed of people who are determined to fake their way through life. I preach honesty and truthfulness in your Facebook status updates (what’s the point of lying about yourself?!), but some people are not quite as pure-minded and will lie, cheat and falsify information just to look or sound cool. This quote puts their situation nicely, as it says that if someone is faking (or in this case pretending to be asleep) then whatever you try to do to help them (like trying to wake them up) won’t work. I added this to my status once, and two people even sent me a message to my inbox asking if the status update was referring to them! Crazy!

Intelligent Facebook quote number 2 – The world is changing rapidly

Example: You cannot step into the same river twice.

I will talk later about the rapidly expanding Internet, but right now let’s look at this quote and how it pertains to the world. The origins of this quote are Chinese (or so I am told) and it refers to the flow of the water of a river. Rivers (just like the funny Facebook status) are a dangerous place, and at any time the current can pull you under the surface or whisk you away downstream. They are constantly moving, changing and evolving – which means that even though you may be familiar with a certain waterway – it is impossible to be sure about its characteristics because it is always changing! This can be looked at as a metaphor for any fast paced environment, including businesses, relationships and more. Add it to your Facebook status today and I guarantee you will provoke a debate or three!

Intelligent Facebook quote number 3 – If you’re not moving forward…

Example: It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same place.

This quote reminds me of an old debate about the ‘Alexa Page Rank’ tool and toolbar. If you’re not familiar with Alexa, they are a web statistics company which track the most popular websites around the world (well, around the Internet) and list them on their site. They track millions and millions of sites and pageviews daily, and every webmaster’s goal is to break in to their top 100,000 (these sites receive special attention and more detailed statistics about the visitors to their sites. Sounds good, right? Well…in a way. My experience was that I had a website which entered the top 100,000, and I was so happy. It stayed there for a while (hovering around the 90,000 mark) and then slowly started to sink down the list. My traffic hadn’t changed, so why was I being demoted? Because due to the ever increasing size of the Internet, and the growing numbers of surfers every day, if you’re not constantly growing on a day-by-day basis, then you’re falling behind. This is true for a huge number of professions and organizations, not just webmasters, but it’s a valid observation for anyone to take in and think about.

Intelligent Facebook status number 4 – If you back someone into a corner…

Example: You can’t reason someone out of a position they didn’t reason themselves into.

People are motivated by different things – money, cars, women, men…but people very frequently act on their own behalf – or to put it another way, people are selfish. This fact is useful to know, because it means that usually if you can convince someone that doing something will be in their best interest, then you can usually get them to do it! This is logic – however, there are some occasions when logic doesn’t worry – like this one. If someone is, for whatever reason, stuck in a position which they have been forced into, then trying to use the same logical reasoning just won’t work – I know, I’ve tried it. The path towards getting them to stop doing whatever they are doing is much harder to go backwards down if they jumped into the position directly, or were pushed into it. I like to think that this intelligent Facebook status really goes some way to explaining why people are often irrational and strange, when we might expect them to be sensible. Who knows!

Ok, that’s enough pearls of wisdom for today, I hope you have a great day and rememeber to change your Facebook status often so that you can stay on the top of all of your friends’ home feeds! Check back soon for another look at an intelligent Facebook status or two!

So I think we should look at some puns – witty Facebook status updates which will make people giggle when they read your status feed. These aren’t difficult to think up, and you can find lots of lists online. Here are some examples to get you started:

Funny Facebook status number 1 – The topical pun

Example: Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

You know the little pink bunny from the Energizer commercials, right? The one who is always banging his drum and can bang his drum much much much longer than everyone else because of the power he has inside his back (those power cells really do last longer than the competition!). Well, battery also means ‘beating’ someone, and so it would be pretty funny if he were charged with that crime! It would also be funny if you put it as your Facebook status update.

Funny Facebook status number 2 – Tragic comedy

Example: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I must say I’m a big fan of black comedy and tragic jokes, and this one is one of the all time classics! There is nothing better (and no better way to make your Facebook friends and contacts laugh) than to evoke a feeling of sympathy (“Oh no! Your Grandfather died?” and then bring the comedy straight after (“WHAT?!? HE WAS DRIVING??!!”). It’s a foolproof way of making people giggle, and an hilarious Facebook status.

Funny Facebook status number 3 – Truism

Example: There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

They say ‘ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer’ – but I don’t really believe this is true. Stupid people are given way too much of a pass in society today, and now you can use your funny Facebook status to stand up against their tyranny! Any sort of true statement which people will agree with (and if they don’t agree, you can safely assume that they themselves are one egg short of a picnic basket) makes a very funny Facebook status message.

Funny Facebook status number 4 – Medical joke #1

Example: I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Everyone needs to visit their doctor from time to time, and jokes about visiting the medicial practitioner are some of the oldest in the world (doctor, doctor!). This type, however, is the kind that will make people laugh out loud because of their reality and wit. As I’ve said before, any type of pun in a Facebook status makes people click ‘like’ very quickly (if they understand it), and it’s even better sometimes if they don’t understand it and then make dumb comments to make themselves look bad!

Funny Facebook status number 5 – Medical joke #2

Example: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

You should never look a gift-horse in the mouth (not even a trojan horse?!) – but some things should serve as a reminder to you in everyday life. If you go in to your local doctor’s surgery and the plants are dead, you don’t really want him operating on your abdomen or trying to give you some plastic surgery, do you? I didn’t think so. Better to do a check around before you sit down in the waiting room – and by passing this classic comedy advice on to your friends, you’re almost guaranteeing a response.

OK that’s all the funny Facebook statuses we have for now, remember keep checking back for more advice, ideas and tips from status update HQ! If you find a funny Facebook status that you want to share with us, write it in the comments!

When people log in to Facebook, they now have access to a ‘Home feed’ page, which gives updates about what all of their friends are doing, watching, listening to and enjoy. This list of information can be filtered and personalised, but the key point is that if you leave a funny facebook status update, people will see it.

There are several types of Funny Facebook status that you might choose to put into your message bar. Let’s have a look at the different breeds of status here:

Funny Facebook status

The cool Facebook status
Often people will try to make their status update cool by adding special characters or information – small symbols which will often grab the attention of the reader and make them think that what they are seeing is special and make them ask ‘how can I have that in my update message too?’.

Example: Danny is cle’a[ni.ng hi's ke]yb36oa;rd

The funny Facebook status
Jokes are an extremely popular thing to put into Facebook status messages. In this site we will be giving you many Facebook ideas and information about which jokes work best and which jokes are the most popular.

Example: Why don’t aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

The philosophical Facebook status
Perhaps you want to quote a famous thinker, a movie star or a politician? This site will give you the most amazing quotes from brains around the world. Whether you’re reflecting on the past or thinking about the future, philosophical and clever Facebook statuses will be a great addition to your page!

Example: A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure. ~Lee Segall

The witty Facebook status
A short line which looks normal enough, but actually includes some sort of pun or double meaning! These are some of the most popular Facebook statuses because they are short, to the point, make people smile and don’t waste time!

Example: “If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?”

The romantic Facebook status
People often use Facebook to communicate and chat with people that they love – and are often far away from. This includes family members, friends and of course – girlfriends and boyfriends. This means that sometimes a romantic Facebook status update is the best way to let the one that you love and care for know that you want them.

Example: One word frees us / Of all the weight and pain in life / That word is Love ~ Socrates

So, there are the major categories of Facebook status, and an introduction to what Facebook statuses exactly are…or what they should be. In the coming weeks you will find many different status updates for Facebook, and lots of ideas for you to create your own ones and share them with us!