Today I’m bringing four more fantastic update messages for you to use in your home feed, which I can almost guarantee people will comment on them and press ‘like’! How can I guarantee this? Because I’ve used all of them myself – and these ones are the types that people will read them and then think for a couple of seconds, and then break out laughing. I’ve had a couple of friends tell me that when they read one of my funny Facebook status messages in their office, they laughed out loud and were warned by their manager! That is what I’m talking about! Ok, on with the updates!

Funny Facebook status

Funny Facebook status one – The old advice is the best
Example: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

If you ever need to find a funny Facebook status, it’s best to ask people who are experts in one-liners. Who, in your life, is the best person at funny lines? For me, it used to be my Grandfather. He used to come out with some of the funniest one-liners I have ever heard – and there were often times when he was completely inappropriate with the things that he said. Was it his fault? Probably not – his mind started to wander by the time he was at his funniest (and most offensive). Anyway, he never used Facebook, but if he had done then he would certainly have used this funny Facebook status, because it was his favourite phrase in the world! Nearly every meal that we would have together would end in him looking at me, putting his finger on his lips and whispering ‘it’s better to remain silent you know….and for some people to think you’re a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt! It means that sometimes you are as stupid as people think, so don’t prove it to people! I’ve heard other people say it when people have said something really stupid or inappropriate – but I think it’s a first to use it in a funny Facebook status. Why not try it and see if anyone gives you any ‘likes’ or comments?

Funny Facebook status two – The divine comedy
Example: God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I’m not hugely religious, but I believe that somewhere out there somewhere there must be some special power which created the heaven and earth – I mean, even if the ‘big bang’ theory is true and we are all developed from bacteria and tiny cells, then who created the substances for that big bang? Usually, I wouldn’t get so philosophical during my analysis of a new funny Facebook status, but for this one I’m making an exception because it deals with a subject very close to my heart – stupid people! I have watched many religious programs where people often repeat again and again about how everything God does is perfect and a miracle – which proves this status update to be the gospel truth – God must love stupid people because he made a huge number of them (and seemingly surrounded me with them!).

Funny Facebook status three – Messing with the MAN
Example: A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

I used to have huge financial problems before I realised that I was never going to be a millionaire – I know that sounds strange but let me elaborate: before I realised that I wasn’t going to be rich, I would spend a lot of money on trying to get rich – selling useless products, making websites with get rich quick schemes and such – but now I am so relaxed in my life and my financial situation that I don’t need to try to get more and more all the time. However, there was a time when I feared entering the bank more than going to the dentist. I mean, what other institution makes you site for hours and looks through the entire history of your life before telling you that ’sorry we can’t help you in your current circumstances’. It’s terrible! If you’ve ever been in this situation (and I’m sure a lot of you have!) then why not put this as your funny Facebook status update – I bet a lot of your friends will be able to feel your pain!

Funny Facebook status four – Memories of a bygone era
Example: The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

What is wrong with parents these days? It seems they only have one intention when naming their children (or at least when the give their children a middle name) and that is to humiliate and/or disturb their children for their entire life. My middle name is ‘Lesley’ – a strange name because it can actually be a man’s name or a woman’s name. This led to huge amounts of bullying at school and other children laughing at me almost constantly (I was lucky that there were no funny Facebook statuses around when I was a child, or I would have been the butt of a LOT of jokes!). The only time anyone actually used my name for any purpose (except to take the mickey out of me) was, as this funny Facebook status update message says, when my parents were angry with me! They would look at me, with a slight growl in their voice, and then shout out **** Lesley ****, will you get out here this instant! Whenever I heard those words in that order, the hair would stand up on my neck and I would know that there was some real bad times ahead. I’m pretty glad that I don’t ever need to hear them again (well I might, but I’m now nine inches taller than my Dad, so I doubt he would do anything about it!).

As I mentioned above, use these hilarious Facebook status quotes and I can assure you that you will have comments and likes by the end of the day. Remember to stop by again and check out another funny Facebook status or two tomorrow!

Ok, so today’s witty statuses for Facebook are taken from the top draw – some puns, some jokes, some one-liners – but all funny! I dare you not to laugh. Double dare you. Ok, let’s do it!

Witty Facebook status

Witty Facebook status number 1 – Lifelong promise, lifelong problem

Example: Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

Ah, marriage. Those who don’t have it, want it. Those who have it….well….anyway….A lot of my friends are getting married right now, and so my Facebook update wall is full of people talking about their marriages, husbands, wives and also – trying to think of funny facebook status updates to show to their friends. This one is one of my all time favourite puns, and a great status update if you want to tell your friends who are getting married exactly what they’re getting themselves into! It plays on the word ’sentence’ (like prison or jail sentence) and the lexical items ‘word’ and ’sentence’. Very witty, and perfect for an update message!

Witty Facebook status number 2 – The obvious advice!

Example: Never call a man a fool – just take his money.

They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but why don’t you just cut out the middle man?! Some people spend a lot of their time trying to point out the stupidity of others, when actually they should probably just take a few moments and realise that if someone is as stupid as they say, they could probably profit from them pretty easily. I used to have a friend at school who nobody liked, because he often acted strangely – I befriended him (by accident) and found out that although he was a bit loopy, he was extremely generous – and I ate free lunches for a month! Not bad, not bad. Remember, if you don’t know who the fool in the room is, it’s probably you!

Witty Facebook status number 3 – Be careful who you show this to…

Example: Never fight with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

I remember seeing one of my friends write this in their Facebook status after they had taken a trip to a local bar on a Friday night. He had a few drinks too many, and decided that another man’s girlfriend was in fact available for the taking – which lead to a bit of a brawl. This ‘other man’ ended up beating him up quite nicely (he had 4 stitches in his forehead to show for it), but it proved the old saying that when ugly people get involved in brawls, the outcome doesn’t really matter for them! They will still be ugly the next day! Strange but true. Perhaps we should follow Ghandi’s teaching and simply stop all violence together. Ahhh…peace! Maybe I could start a new website for ‘peaceful Facebook statuses’ – I wonder how successful it would be?

Witty Facebook status number 4 – How much toothpaste do you have?

Example: When the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.

A lot of secrets are shared on Facebook everyday, as well as a lot of pictures and photos from people who would sometimes prefer that they stayed a secret. Whenevr my friends and I had a party, we would always take huge numbers of pictures and then prepare them for upload to the site (along with some epic captions which will probably put a lot of people in a lot of trouble with their girlfriends/boyfriends/parents/children etc). Anyway, we refer to those type of ’special’ photos, the ones which can get people into trouble, as ‘toothpaste’ – because as this funny status update tells you – once it’s out of the tube, you can never put it back in!

Witty Facebook status number 5 – Drive carefully!

Example: People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Many people like to think up witty Facebook statuses which relate to real events that have happened in their life – real events which they can’t speak openly about. That is why some like to use funny quote for their Facebook status – and the story that this one tells is hilarious! Living in one of the busiest cities in the world means traffic accidents are a daily occurrence, but what about the ‘accidents in cars cause people’ line?! So funny. I’ve never had the (mis)fortune of having an ‘in-car’ accident on a Saturday night in the drive-in movie theatre, but some people do! Now you can share your experience online!

Phew, that should be more than enough to satisfy the Facebook status hunger of even the most addicted online socialite. I’ve used a few of these exact ones already on my own status (as I mention frequently, I change my status about five times per day so I have lots of chance to find the funniest status updates). The most succesful one in terms of likes and comments was definitely the first one – Marriage is always a controversial subject and when you combine it with a platform like Facebook (where everyone wants to give his or her opinion at any given time) you have a recipe for explosive conversations and maybe even some arguing! We can but hope…

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, wherever you are in the world, and remember to log in to Facebook and check out how your new witty Facebook status is going with your friends – you might be suprised!