Ok, so today’s witty statuses for Facebook are taken from the top draw – some puns, some jokes, some one-liners – but all funny! I dare you not to laugh. Double dare you. Ok, let’s do it!

Witty Facebook status

Witty Facebook status number 1 – Lifelong promise, lifelong problem

Example: Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

Ah, marriage. Those who don’t have it, want it. Those who have it….well….anyway….A lot of my friends are getting married right now, and so my Facebook update wall is full of people talking about their marriages, husbands, wives and also – trying to think of funny facebook status updates to show to their friends. This one is one of my all time favourite puns, and a great status update if you want to tell your friends who are getting married exactly what they’re getting themselves into! It plays on the word ’sentence’ (like prison or jail sentence) and the lexical items ‘word’ and ’sentence’. Very witty, and perfect for an update message!

Witty Facebook status number 2 – The obvious advice!

Example: Never call a man a fool – just take his money.

They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but why don’t you just cut out the middle man?! Some people spend a lot of their time trying to point out the stupidity of others, when actually they should probably just take a few moments and realise that if someone is as stupid as they say, they could probably profit from them pretty easily. I used to have a friend at school who nobody liked, because he often acted strangely – I befriended him (by accident) and found out that although he was a bit loopy, he was extremely generous – and I ate free lunches for a month! Not bad, not bad. Remember, if you don’t know who the fool in the room is, it’s probably you!

Witty Facebook status number 3 – Be careful who you show this to…

Example: Never fight with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

I remember seeing one of my friends write this in their Facebook status after they had taken a trip to a local bar on a Friday night. He had a few drinks too many, and decided that another man’s girlfriend was in fact available for the taking – which lead to a bit of a brawl. This ‘other man’ ended up beating him up quite nicely (he had 4 stitches in his forehead to show for it), but it proved the old saying that when ugly people get involved in brawls, the outcome doesn’t really matter for them! They will still be ugly the next day! Strange but true. Perhaps we should follow Ghandi’s teaching and simply stop all violence together. Ahhh…peace! Maybe I could start a new website for ‘peaceful Facebook statuses’ – I wonder how successful it would be?

Witty Facebook status number 4 – How much toothpaste do you have?

Example: When the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.

A lot of secrets are shared on Facebook everyday, as well as a lot of pictures and photos from people who would sometimes prefer that they stayed a secret. Whenevr my friends and I had a party, we would always take huge numbers of pictures and then prepare them for upload to the site (along with some epic captions which will probably put a lot of people in a lot of trouble with their girlfriends/boyfriends/parents/children etc). Anyway, we refer to those type of ’special’ photos, the ones which can get people into trouble, as ‘toothpaste’ – because as this funny status update tells you – once it’s out of the tube, you can never put it back in!

Witty Facebook status number 5 – Drive carefully!

Example: People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Many people like to think up witty Facebook statuses which relate to real events that have happened in their life – real events which they can’t speak openly about. That is why some like to use funny quote for their Facebook status – and the story that this one tells is hilarious! Living in one of the busiest cities in the world means traffic accidents are a daily occurrence, but what about the ‘accidents in cars cause people’ line?! So funny. I’ve never had the (mis)fortune of having an ‘in-car’ accident on a Saturday night in the drive-in movie theatre, but some people do! Now you can share your experience online!

Phew, that should be more than enough to satisfy the Facebook status hunger of even the most addicted online socialite. I’ve used a few of these exact ones already on my own status (as I mention frequently, I change my status about five times per day so I have lots of chance to find the funniest status updates). The most succesful one in terms of likes and comments was definitely the first one – Marriage is always a controversial subject and when you combine it with a platform like Facebook (where everyone wants to give his or her opinion at any given time) you have a recipe for explosive conversations and maybe even some arguing! We can but hope…

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, wherever you are in the world, and remember to log in to Facebook and check out how your new witty Facebook status is going with your friends – you might be suprised!

It is for this reason that today’s list of funny Facebook statuses will in face be more of a list of philosophical or thoughtful quotes, which, when you add them to your status will make people ponder more than just what you are eating for lunch or watching on TV. They’ll make your friends on Facebook stop and think – and they could even start a dialogue in your comments section.

So, without further ado, here are some intelligent Facebook quotes to get you through the rest of the day – thank me later!

Intelligent Facebook quotes

Intelligent Facebook quote number 1 – Confront the fakers in your life

Example: You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

Ever since Myspace (or maybe even Friendster before it) exploded in popularity, there has been a rise of a new breed of people who are determined to fake their way through life. I preach honesty and truthfulness in your Facebook status updates (what’s the point of lying about yourself?!), but some people are not quite as pure-minded and will lie, cheat and falsify information just to look or sound cool. This quote puts their situation nicely, as it says that if someone is faking (or in this case pretending to be asleep) then whatever you try to do to help them (like trying to wake them up) won’t work. I added this to my status once, and two people even sent me a message to my inbox asking if the status update was referring to them! Crazy!

Intelligent Facebook quote number 2 – The world is changing rapidly

Example: You cannot step into the same river twice.

I will talk later about the rapidly expanding Internet, but right now let’s look at this quote and how it pertains to the world. The origins of this quote are Chinese (or so I am told) and it refers to the flow of the water of a river. Rivers (just like the funny Facebook status) are a dangerous place, and at any time the current can pull you under the surface or whisk you away downstream. They are constantly moving, changing and evolving – which means that even though you may be familiar with a certain waterway – it is impossible to be sure about its characteristics because it is always changing! This can be looked at as a metaphor for any fast paced environment, including businesses, relationships and more. Add it to your Facebook status today and I guarantee you will provoke a debate or three!

Intelligent Facebook quote number 3 – If you’re not moving forward…

Example: It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same place.

This quote reminds me of an old debate about the ‘Alexa Page Rank’ tool and toolbar. If you’re not familiar with Alexa, they are a web statistics company which track the most popular websites around the world (well, around the Internet) and list them on their site. They track millions and millions of sites and pageviews daily, and every webmaster’s goal is to break in to their top 100,000 (these sites receive special attention and more detailed statistics about the visitors to their sites. Sounds good, right? Well…in a way. My experience was that I had a website which entered the top 100,000, and I was so happy. It stayed there for a while (hovering around the 90,000 mark) and then slowly started to sink down the list. My traffic hadn’t changed, so why was I being demoted? Because due to the ever increasing size of the Internet, and the growing numbers of surfers every day, if you’re not constantly growing on a day-by-day basis, then you’re falling behind. This is true for a huge number of professions and organizations, not just webmasters, but it’s a valid observation for anyone to take in and think about.

Intelligent Facebook status number 4 – If you back someone into a corner…

Example: You can’t reason someone out of a position they didn’t reason themselves into.

People are motivated by different things – money, cars, women, men…but people very frequently act on their own behalf – or to put it another way, people are selfish. This fact is useful to know, because it means that usually if you can convince someone that doing something will be in their best interest, then you can usually get them to do it! This is logic – however, there are some occasions when logic doesn’t worry – like this one. If someone is, for whatever reason, stuck in a position which they have been forced into, then trying to use the same logical reasoning just won’t work – I know, I’ve tried it. The path towards getting them to stop doing whatever they are doing is much harder to go backwards down if they jumped into the position directly, or were pushed into it. I like to think that this intelligent Facebook status really goes some way to explaining why people are often irrational and strange, when we might expect them to be sensible. Who knows!

Ok, that’s enough pearls of wisdom for today, I hope you have a great day and rememeber to change your Facebook status often so that you can stay on the top of all of your friends’ home feeds! Check back soon for another look at an intelligent Facebook status or two!