Ok, so today’s witty statuses for Facebook are taken from the top draw – some puns, some jokes, some one-liners – but all funny! I dare you not to laugh. Double dare you. Ok, let’s do it!

Witty Facebook status

Witty Facebook status number 1 – Lifelong promise, lifelong problem

Example: Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

Ah, marriage. Those who don’t have it, want it. Those who have it….well….anyway….A lot of my friends are getting married right now, and so my Facebook update wall is full of people talking about their marriages, husbands, wives and also – trying to think of funny facebook status updates to show to their friends. This one is one of my all time favourite puns, and a great status update if you want to tell your friends who are getting married exactly what they’re getting themselves into! It plays on the word ’sentence’ (like prison or jail sentence) and the lexical items ‘word’ and ’sentence’. Very witty, and perfect for an update message!

Witty Facebook status number 2 – The obvious advice!

Example: Never call a man a fool – just take his money.

They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but why don’t you just cut out the middle man?! Some people spend a lot of their time trying to point out the stupidity of others, when actually they should probably just take a few moments and realise that if someone is as stupid as they say, they could probably profit from them pretty easily. I used to have a friend at school who nobody liked, because he often acted strangely – I befriended him (by accident) and found out that although he was a bit loopy, he was extremely generous – and I ate free lunches for a month! Not bad, not bad. Remember, if you don’t know who the fool in the room is, it’s probably you!

Witty Facebook status number 3 – Be careful who you show this to…

Example: Never fight with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

I remember seeing one of my friends write this in their Facebook status after they had taken a trip to a local bar on a Friday night. He had a few drinks too many, and decided that another man’s girlfriend was in fact available for the taking – which lead to a bit of a brawl. This ‘other man’ ended up beating him up quite nicely (he had 4 stitches in his forehead to show for it), but it proved the old saying that when ugly people get involved in brawls, the outcome doesn’t really matter for them! They will still be ugly the next day! Strange but true. Perhaps we should follow Ghandi’s teaching and simply stop all violence together. Ahhh…peace! Maybe I could start a new website for ‘peaceful Facebook statuses’ – I wonder how successful it would be?

Witty Facebook status number 4 – How much toothpaste do you have?

Example: When the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.

A lot of secrets are shared on Facebook everyday, as well as a lot of pictures and photos from people who would sometimes prefer that they stayed a secret. Whenevr my friends and I had a party, we would always take huge numbers of pictures and then prepare them for upload to the site (along with some epic captions which will probably put a lot of people in a lot of trouble with their girlfriends/boyfriends/parents/children etc). Anyway, we refer to those type of ’special’ photos, the ones which can get people into trouble, as ‘toothpaste’ – because as this funny status update tells you – once it’s out of the tube, you can never put it back in!

Witty Facebook status number 5 – Drive carefully!

Example: People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Many people like to think up witty Facebook statuses which relate to real events that have happened in their life – real events which they can’t speak openly about. That is why some like to use funny quote for their Facebook status – and the story that this one tells is hilarious! Living in one of the busiest cities in the world means traffic accidents are a daily occurrence, but what about the ‘accidents in cars cause people’ line?! So funny. I’ve never had the (mis)fortune of having an ‘in-car’ accident on a Saturday night in the drive-in movie theatre, but some people do! Now you can share your experience online!

Phew, that should be more than enough to satisfy the Facebook status hunger of even the most addicted online socialite. I’ve used a few of these exact ones already on my own status (as I mention frequently, I change my status about five times per day so I have lots of chance to find the funniest status updates). The most succesful one in terms of likes and comments was definitely the first one – Marriage is always a controversial subject and when you combine it with a platform like Facebook (where everyone wants to give his or her opinion at any given time) you have a recipe for explosive conversations and maybe even some arguing! We can but hope…

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, wherever you are in the world, and remember to log in to Facebook and check out how your new witty Facebook status is going with your friends – you might be suprised!